Well I did it. I finally came out about my partner being in a wheelchair. I didn't so much announce it as I finally posted a snapchat story with our full bodies (and chair) visible. J and I are both private people. We don't have Facebook or Insta and I don't share many personal details with my coworkers. They knew I was dating someone for awhile, (the flower delivery kind of made that evident), but they still didn't know he was a C6 quad.
So here we are less than 12 hours after I post my snapchat story and the ignorant comments and questions have begun. My close friend from work informed me that there was an impromptu meeting at lunch in which she was bombarded with questions.
- Did Lei (my friend) know he was in a wheelchair? - Why didn't she say anything? - What happened to him? - When did it happen? - Is he paralyzed waist down? - Does it work?
And lastly, "Well Ali is a much better person than me."
I know I need to get a thicker skin, but seriously?! Thankfully, my friend had the perfect response. She said, "look, all I know is he is in a wheelchair and there was a car wreck. I didn't really see the need to ask questions, because I figured it wasn't my business." Can we get a slow clap for my girl Lei?
Last little rant, I am sick of people saying I'm a good person for dating him. Often I don't think I deserve him. It pisses me off that I am a good person because apparently he is my pity case. This statement makes me want to harm people!!!! (As any good person would). I'm well aware that my relationship is far more complicated than most. I'm also aware that I will be missing out on some things in life due to him being in a chair. But,
1. I don't need to be reminded of this from literally every person I encounter. And
2. At the end of the day, J is worth it. What I am going to miss out on pales in comparison to what he has to offer me.
So tell me, how do you all respond? Especially to the "does it work" question. On one hand, I want to tell them to mind their own business. On the other hand, he is far from impotent and for some reason it bothers me that people would think he couldn't perform.
I usually respond with im free friday night why don't you come by and see if you can get it working. Depends on the person who says hi to him(meaning my penis)Would you like to say hi and maybe give him a kiss to see if he will like you, maybe he will come up to play.
When people asked if i could walk my response use to be maybe you will find out if i gets up and beats you with my chair.
I don't let anything bother me anymore, the way I looks at it is most people are curious and don't the difference and how will these people know any different if we don't educate them. yes we have people who just want to be ignorant and for me being in a chair i dated a lot more since injury than before. I have been proposed to a couple times been offered a car and house by a man if i stayed with his daughter. I often thought why me? Apparently i'm seen as a nice guy and they have previously dated assholes. I was married when i had my injury and after the injury i told my wife to pack up and leave i know she said through sickness and health but i knew she didnt sigh up for this life and i was ok with her moving out (i wasn't happy in the relationship anyway). Many relationships i have been in since i put everything out there what life with me is like even though im pretty active and i was the one to leave most relationships. I have been with the same woman now for 4 years and even now when things come up with friends i'm like you go ahead and i express to her if she wants to leave im cool with that.
Some people just come out and admit they don't want to date someone in a chair. do that bug me? not one bit. We all have our preferences in what we want in life and if thats not what someone wants why should we get angry at them? you got a guy who is a C6 quad and if you happy why should you care what people think. Let it just leave your mind and go on your day to day life and enjoy "you".
With that being said I like reading and hearing about your experiences and how that all makes you feel. We are all different.
"ignorance", cant blame them much because I was ignorant to this also before accident. its difficult but just know they don't know and really don't care, they just are uncomfortable themselves with this and try and say something, but its usually shows their ignorance.
I usually respond with im free friday night why don't you come by and see if you can get it working. Depends on the person who says hi to him(meaning my penis)Would you like to say hi and maybe give him a kiss to see if he will like you, maybe he will come up to play.
When people asked if i could walk my response use to be maybe you will find out if i gets up and beats you with my chair.
I don't let anything bother me anymore, the way I looks at it is most people are curious and don't the difference and how will these people know any different if we don't educate them. yes we have people who just want to be ignorant and for me being in a chair i dated a lot more since injury than before. I have been proposed to a couple times been offered a car and house by a man if i stayed with his daughter. I often thought why me? Apparently i'm seen as a nice guy and they have previously dated assholes. I was married when i had my injury and after the injury i told my wife to pack up and leave i know she said through sickness and health but i knew she didnt sigh up for this life and i was ok with her moving out (i wasn't happy in the relationship anyway). Many relationships i have been in since i put everything out there what life with me is like even though im pretty active and i was the one to leave most relationships. I have been with the same woman now for 4 years and even now when things come up with friends i'm like you go ahead and i express to her if she wants to leave im cool with that.
Some people just come out and admit they don't want to date someone in a chair. do that bug me? not one bit. We all have our preferences in what we want in life and if thats not what someone wants why should we get angry at them? you got a guy who is a C6 quad and if you happy why should you care what people think. Let it just leave your mind and go on your day to day life and enjoy "you".
With that being said I like reading and hearing about your experiences and how that all makes you feel. We are all different.
Thank you for your response! Loved the enthusiasm. You are absolutely right, I am happy with my man and I need to focus on that. Now I just need to come up with my canned response to 'it working'. Maybe just a head tilt, eyebrow lift, and a snide "did you really just ask that" will work... I'm just not used to so much attention on my relationship, especially for such ridiculous questions. I mean have they not heard of Google? When J and I started dating I was on google nonstop to find answers and what I should expect.
I’m a c5-6 and my wife gets those questions and comments all the time. It’s rude plain and simple. I was nice and explained it before but now If they want to be ignorant and rude I simply say it’s none of there business. I tend to not think about it too much, people are always gonna ask.
Hey aliyash, that must be frustrating! As mentioned before, it’s just ignorance plain and simple. Not many people are educated on this topic so they get curious. I feel like I would have been curious and ignorant towards this issue pre SCI so I understand why people do it even though it’s not right. It’s best that you don’t let these people bother you. You love your man so who cares what others think or say? If more people were like you this world would be a better place!
Hey aliyash, that must be frustrating! As mentioned before, it’s just ignorance plain and simple. Not many people are educated on this topic so they get curious. I feel like I would have been curious and ignorant towards this issue pre SCI so I understand why people do it even though it’s not right. It’s best that you don’t let these people bother you. You love your man so who cares what others think or say? If more people were like you this world would be a better place!
I don't know about a world of people like me being a better place. Lol. But I suppose I could use some flattery today.
Aliyash, I am so happy to read your post, it gives be a whole lot of hope for my son's future, I really don't understand why this is even a thing, sadly there are so many ignorant people out there.
Last little rant, I am sick of people saying I'm a good person for dating him. Often I don't think I deserve him. It pisses me off that I am a good person because apparently he is my pity case. This statement makes me want to harm people!!!! (As any good person would).
Lol, Its been 14 years for me and I still get annoyed when people call me an angel. I still have mini rants sometimes about this very same issue.
Well I did it. I finally came out about my partner being in a wheelchair. I didn't so much announce it as I finally posted a snapchat story with our full bodies (and chair) visible. J and I are both private people. We don't have Facebook or Insta and I don't share many personal details with my coworkers. They knew I was dating someone for awhile, (the flower delivery kind of made that evident), but they still didn't know he was a C6 quad.
So here we are less than 12 hours after I post my snapchat story and the ignorant comments and questions have begun. My close friend from work informed me that there was an impromptu meeting at lunch in which she was bombarded with questions.
- Did Lei (my friend) know he was in a wheelchair? - Why didn't she say anything? - What happened to him? - When did it happen? - Is he paralyzed waist down? - Does it work?
And lastly, "Well Ali is a much better person than me."
I know I need to get a thicker skin, but seriously?! Thankfully, my friend had the perfect response. She said, "look, all I know is he is in a wheelchair and there was a car wreck. I didn't really see the need to ask questions, because I figured it wasn't my business." Can we get a slow clap for my girl Lei?
Last little rant, I am sick of people saying I'm a good person for dating him. Often I don't think I deserve him. It pisses me off that I am a good person because apparently he is my pity case. This statement makes me want to harm people!!!! (As any good person would). I'm well aware that my relationship is far more complicated than most. I'm also aware that I will be missing out on some things in life due to him being in a chair. But,
1. I don't need to be reminded of this from literally every person I encounter. And
2. At the end of the day, J is worth it. What I am going to miss out on pales in comparison to what he has to offer me.
So tell me, how do you all respond? Especially to the "does it work" question. On one hand, I want to tell them to mind their own business. On the other hand, he is far from impotent and for some reason it bothers me that people would think he couldn't perform.
Yes I totally get your post and have the same thing a lot from people I know. I still find it hard - some people aren’t capable of minding their own business!