Looking for suggestions on regaining that "mans man" feeling

I would like to welcome you to the forum, and thank you for being the loving son that you are. I think vintage said more and better than I could have. Just continue to be there for your dad and let him know that he will never be a burden. Let him know that this is just another one of life's adventures. And that he has always succeeded all of life's other adventures.

You've found a good place to come for advice, samrp, Most of us here have been through the grieving process your dad is now experiencing, and it's a depressing and frustrating time (for everyone, not just the person who was recently disabled). I was 38 when I was paralyzed, with 11 and 13 year old daughters, and there was an awful lot I was suddenly unable to do for them and with them. It took me quite  a while to stop focusing on what I couldn't do anymore, and focus on what I still could. That realization propelled me forward, as it will your dad when it comes. 21 years later and I'm now 59 and I still get frustrated. But I've been married to the same man for 37 years now, have two lovely grandchildren, work full time as college professor, and just bought an off road wheelchair! This weekend I'm hoping to be on the beach for the first time in 21 years in that chair. My best advice to your dad would be don't waste too much time looking back. Enjoy what you can while it's here.

(and by the way, it's great that you're there to support him. That's more important than anything else).  

May I gently suggest you begin by redefining what you want for your dad. Masculinity cannot be taken from him. While that may be a meaningful label for many, the very vagueness of it can lead to trouble accomplishing goals. that is what your dad has loved and fostered in you- an ability to accomplish goals. He enjoys having the physical power to order his environment.

AT T4 he may not end up with a lot of physical power if the injury is "complete" but he may also get some capability below that level. At this stage you all must "wait and see". So 'physical power' becomes, more than ever, the ability to work smart rather than working hard.

I am a quad with weak hands. good arms, some torso and leg control but pretty weak. I used to restore old houses. I'm very female but the power to do things with my hands mattered a lot to me. About a year after my injury I was home and trying, with a helper, to get our home accessible and fix up a lot of things that had been unfinished. I remember when I was able to get out the miter saw and at least cut trim pieces to fit. That felt good. Then when I finally managed to hold the electric drill in my right hand- whoa! What a rush of good feeling- that was "me"!

The first thing your dad needs to get back on track is to learn to take care of himself. Basic independence should be attainable. Focus on learning to do things in a new way. Forget about how he used to do things. Those thoughts are just a bad day in the making. Life as a T4 can be another fascinating challenge for a can-do guy but it may take some time for him to find that attitude.

The first things he needs are the right tools for the job. Don't let hospital PTs or social workers have the last word on what wheelchair he should buy. Don't let insurance have the last word. he needs an expert seating evaluation then a good ultralite manual wheelchair. There are many on the market and run at least $2000. Second he needs an excellent quality cushion. The seating specialist will advise you on that. People who sit all the time are in danger of skin breakdown- what you know in hospitals as 'bedsores'. There are high tech cushions that will usually prevent problems. Few of us get the right thing first off but if he suffers any pain or problems , get him to an expert fast. His first job as SCId is staying healthy and feeling good in his chair so he can get back to living. He needs the right tools for the job.

Insurance will rarely pay for expensive cushions until there is a history of skin breakdown. How smart is that ???!? Once there is a sore they tend to recur so if at all possible crape together the $ for a decent cushion. I'm talking $350 to $500. Or he may be like me ad feel pretty good in a foam and gel cushion for $250. Once you have a good idea what he needs, if insurance will not buy it get it off the internet, just make sure your measurements are correct. If his back is very weak (likely) a good backrest with lumbar support will help.

i will stop there. There is a lot I can suggest but unless I know you want my thoughts I won't waste our time. if you think I can help, send me a private message.

Stay strong. You might need to be the strong one for awhile but he should bounce back as long as you focus on his regaining his ability to shape his world- his personal power.