Feeling guilty - Son of CCS Father (63)

May 2018 is a long way away. Is there any way to get your own place? Whatever the answer to that, I think you need the hope and expectation that this situation will end so yes, plan on moving. The other siblings will either step in, or not, but you will have done what you could and a bit more. Self- sacrifice is not a good life-style choice, in my opinion. Especially not at 30 years old.

As to the hope of your dad walking, we crips accept reality at our own pace. It really is better for you to keep your mouth shut about that and let the professionals suggest it, or not. Your parents will catch on in time. The important point is that your dad work on the full range of wheelchair skills in the meantime. His PTs can and should insist on this with the simple rational that he needs to cope in the chair until nerve function recovers enough to walk. Return of function is unpredictable. More could happen but what if that is 5 years away? You should free yourself to discuss things like that with his PT, knowing the responsibility is hers, not yours.

he will need to strengthen arm and torso function to do good transfers. He ought to be able to learn to transfer to the floor and back, which would increase his self confidence a lot. Exercising on a mat would help with overall skills. Since you are close with your dad you may be able to encourage him to work toward his goal by engaging in a strengthening program. There is lots he could do at home.

Lastly ,he needs an ultralight wheelchair. Odds are good he has been issued a clunky, heavy chair that is difficult to maneuver. None of us who are independent use such chairs.

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Such chairs are expensive but insurance might help, or not since he already has a chair. Also an ultralight would be easier for your mom to handle for travel. There might well be a provider in Buffalo who would come to the house to measure your dad, then bring a chair for him to try out. He might be willing to go to the store to test drive some chairs. Once he feels the potential, his attitude could improve.  There are sometimes good deals on used chairs on Ebay for the patient shopper but you must be very clear about the measurements needed.  Have to do that anyway.  

i do understand that optimism is limited by the fact your dad was in poor shape before this fall, but there is always hope for improvement and knowing the possibilities could help motivate him. Getting on our forum is helpful to lots of folks. Is he computer savvy? If so, youtube is a great place to surf for how-to videos of wheelchair skills.Heck, just helping with the cooking by cutting up stuff on a cutting board on his lap would help your mom and their relationship. He can sweep a floor from his chair and mop.  He ought to be sharing the load with her, and when he does his self-respect will increase.

For you? No reason at all to feel guilty. Do what you can and school yourself to accept that your folks must endure the consequences of a lifetime of their own decisions,including your mom's treatment of you and your dad's neglect of his body. No one can fix those things but them, and it is not even your job to hope for that. Just be a professional in relationship to them. Discuss ideas with his doctor if you wish, or with is PT, and let it go after than. Your folks will always discount your advice because you are their son. They think of you as less informed. Learn to protect yourself emotionally. Maybe find a good counselor, snd let us know how you are doing.

My husband discounts anything I say even though I am quite well informed about medical stuff.  I've come to accept that and try to go to doctor appointments with him.  I know his health will decline fst due to how he lives his life and I am learning to accept that truth, as well as building my own decision tree to guide me.  Under what conditions will I need to get my own place just to protect my energy and heart?  I map it out.

What both your parents really want is for your dad to be independent. That should be very reachable for him in a chair, including loading and unloading in the car so he could drive himself.