Inspired Spinal Cord Injury Support Forum

piinksugar
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I honestly don't know why I continue Jun 16, 2014 16:51:28 GMT -8

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Post by piinksugar on Jun 16, 2014 16:51:28 GMT -8

I've wanted to die for so long but was afraid of how it was going to be, but now I'm just tired of everything and don't care about living. Things are not getting better and everyone is practically out of my life. I really don't have anyone anymore except family and caregivers and I'm only burdening to them.

I just have a hard time wanting to continue, don't know what else to say. I'm ambivalent to if I want to keep at life. Sigh..

Butiki
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I honestly don't know why I continue Jun 16, 2014 16:58:15 GMT -8

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Post by Butiki on Jun 16, 2014 16:58:15 GMT -8

Hi piinksugar and To the forum. I'm a paraplegic L 3/4, and I find that things really get me down at times. I honestly can't say that I know how you feel, as we are all individuals with our own issues. But I hope with all my heart that you can find some comfort and companionship with us here. Please keep posting and let us keep up with what your doing.

Just do it

cbdives Advanced Member Posts: 735 Post Likes Received: 490 Date Joined: November 2013 Injury: Peripheral Neuropathy Date Injured: Progressive Member is: Offline Send PM	I honestly don't know why I continue Jun 16, 2014 17:22:24 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by cbdives on Jun 16, 2014 17:22:24 GMT -8 Hi Pink...Hope we can make you feel more positive here improving your quality of life. Joe

piinksugar
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I honestly don't know why I continue Jun 16, 2014 17:43:53 GMT -8

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Post by piinksugar on Jun 16, 2014 17:43:53 GMT -8

Jun 16, 2014 17:22:24 GMT -8 cbdives said:

Hi Pink...Hope we can make you feel more positive here improving your quality of life.

Joe

Yeah thank you, I'm sorry if I came off negative. I just went back and read my post after a few minutes of cooling off emotionally and it seems so hopeless. I don't know, my mood just fluctuates and in the last week I've been insanely depressed. Hoping to try to get myself together

Butiki Advanced Member Posts: 2,270 Post Likes Received: 1,154 Date Joined: July 2013 Injury: L 3 ASIA B CES Date Injured: 16/11/2012 Member is: Offline Send PM	I honestly don't know why I continue Jun 16, 2014 18:17:00 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by Butiki on Jun 16, 2014 18:17:00 GMT -8 Hey piinksugar, please always remember we are here to support you and just be your friends.
	Just do it

dlevy
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I honestly don't know why I continue Jun 16, 2014 18:34:04 GMT -8

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Post by dlevy on Jun 16, 2014 18:34:04 GMT -8

Jun 16, 2014 17:43:53 GMT -8 piinksugar said:

Jun 16, 2014 17:22:24 GMT -8 cbdives said:

Hi Pink...Hope we can make you feel more positive here improving your quality of life.

Joe

Yeah thank you, I'm sorry if I came off negative. I just went back and read my post after a few minutes of cooling off emotionally and it seems so hopeless. I don't know, my mood just fluctuates and in the last week I've been insanely depressed. Hoping to try to get myself together

Hi Piinksugar. I feel hopeless often. When you do feel hopeless try to do something that you enjoy. Try to make your reason for being to figure out things that make you happy. The rest of the world doesn't matter.

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I honestly don't know why I continue Jun 16, 2014 18:53:52 GMT -8

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Post by Lαrα on Jun 16, 2014 18:53:52 GMT -8

Welcome to the forum piinksugar You are very entitled to have the feelings that you are experiencing...its natural. This is not an easy journey for anyone..You are challenged and your strength is being tested more than any time in your life, im sure.

But hang in there ...this is the worst you can feel so know that you will have better days. Look at everything one day at a time ....have faith in your heart that you will be given what you need to help you get through your difficult days.

Start making some plans...ask someone to make a bucket list with you....things you want to do..and you CAN still do things.....know this...We will spur you on..you will have company along your way...Some of the guys here are so funny...They really do keep me smiling....

Lets help you with this...but your feelings are totally understandable and thankyou for your honesty

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I honestly don't know why I continue Jun 16, 2014 19:12:51 GMT -8

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Post by Lαrα on Jun 16, 2014 19:12:51 GMT -8

Jun 16, 2014 18:53:52 GMT -8 Lαrα said:

Welcome to the forum piinksugar

You are very entitled to have the feelings that you are experiencing...its natural. This is not an easy journey for anyone..You are challenged and your strength is being tested more than any time in your life, im sure.

But hang in there ...this is the worst you can feel so know that you will have better days. Look at everything one day at a time ....have faith in your heart that you will be given what you need to help you get through your difficult days.

Start making some plans...ask someone to make a bucket list with you....things you want to do..and you CAN still do things.....know this...We will spur you on..you will have company along your way...Some of the guys here are so funny...They really do keep me smiling....

Lets help you with this...but your feelings are totally understandable and thankyou for your honesty

I wanted to add that with SCI we have all learnt that people leave our life...but look at it as a clear out for the new and better ones..Ones that wont let you down and will understand and are in your life because they love who you are.
Never feel burdened..your family and caregives.....know that you need help with practical day to day things and will love you still for who you are. You are still you.....
When you feel down ..get your favourite tunes on..get them blasting out if you want to...and chill...Music is great for lifting the spirits and we have an amazing DJ who I admin with...DJ..I will get the link to his mixes..so take a listen...with headphones..you will enjoy

Here is the link to his music..il say this quietly....dont be telling him how good he is..lol he already knows it and has an ego the size of the moon ...

our job is to keep him grounded! lol

Cool tunes! DJ'S Mixes

piinksugar
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I honestly don't know why I continue Jun 16, 2014 20:19:50 GMT -8

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Post by piinksugar on Jun 16, 2014 20:19:50 GMT -8

I think what tortures me the most is the thoughts in my mind. The SCI is hell but the thoughts that go on inside my brain from day to day in terms of personal insecurity and depression is the most miserable part of the entire package. I get insecure about how I look in public and how people react to me, especially being on a vent(which I hate)to the point where it's something I constantly worry about. I still go out more so than before, but I have trouble finding confidence and tend to avoid eye contact.

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wavewolf
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I honestly don't know why I continue Jun 16, 2014 20:40:22 GMT -8

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Post by wavewolf on Jun 16, 2014 20:40:22 GMT -8

piinksugar, welcome to the forum. This is a place where you can say what you are feeling and people care and, at least to some degree, understand. Being vent dependent has to be challenging from both a physical and emotional standpoint. Your injury is relatively new, so I can only pray that you will come to a point of not needing it.

Maybe you could start a thread to connect with others who are going through this, to gain insight and just to share with those who totally comprehend the mental anguish. Most SCIs go through significant depression, especially early on. It is important to have someone to share your thoughts and feeling with. Most of us have also experienced loss of friends, but then we go on and meet others. Your family loves you, and caring for you is a concrete way of expressing that love. Your paid caregivers need a job, and will enjoy their work more (probably do it better, too) if you develop a relationship with them. Volunteer caregivers must love you a lot!

I just watched this video by one of our members, Knight--lots of good points here, and encouragement.

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Hoea ra!

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I honestly don't know why I continue Jun 16, 2014 22:56:19 GMT -8

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Post by Lαrα on Jun 16, 2014 22:56:19 GMT -8

Jun 16, 2014 20:19:50 GMT -8 piinksugar said:

I think what tortures me the most is the thoughts in my mind. The SCI is hell but the thoughts that go on inside my brain from day to day in terms of personal insecurity and depression is the most miserable part of the entire package. I get insecure about how I look in public and how people react to me, especially being on a vent(which I hate)to the point where it's something I constantly worry about. I still go out more so than before, but I have trouble finding confidence and tend to avoid eye contact.

What you are experiencing in terms of how you feel and think is very normal piinksugar...but both of these you have he ability to change.

Its natural to feel conscious about how you look..we all do but this is one thing you can for certain change and become empowered about. When I first came to read your post and saw your pic the first thought that came to my mind was how pretty you are....then I thought 'and..shes on a vent'.
But the very first thing that struck me was how very pretty you are...The next time you go out you make sure you look your best (very easy to do im sure!) and you hold that lovely head up. You show the world what beauty there is in you...vent or no vent....Confidence is very attractive..being empowered this way will make you feel good.

You can be a role model for all those girls who feel bad about their disability and how they are viewed...now what a purpose and difference you are making to others already!
You DONT need to be a slave to those thoughts..here is the positive to be found..and you need to have one.

When I go out in my chair i make sure i look and feel good...i hold my head up and smile and show im confident. I feel and know that im still pretty sassy and sexy still!
Im not saying im all that but if i feel i am then thats what counts! lol

This will also help with the depression....Can i ask if you are receiving counselling for this? If not speak to your family and doctor about organising some for you.
Many of us have gone through depression at different points but there are ways to help overcome this....It will be expected that you will get 'down' days but they can become less than now for sure.

Here are two forum posts that you may find some helpful points within

staying mentally healthy

Depression following SCI

DJ
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I honestly don't know why I continue Jun 17, 2014 5:08:30 GMT -8

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Post by DJ on Jun 17, 2014 5:08:30 GMT -8

Welcome piinksugar!

I know that things don't seem too good in life but I'm sure it'll get better. Don't worry about what others think of you. You're not living your life to please other people so if they don't like what they see, they can screw off! We have a great supportive community here so if there's anything you'd like to talk about, feel free to do so here.

kilg0retr0ut Advanced Member Posts: 2,507 Post Likes Received: 1,862 Date Joined: July 2013 Injury: L4/5 Cauda Equina Date Injured: 7-15-10 Member is: Offline Send PM	I honestly don't know why I continue Jun 17, 2014 6:42:51 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by kilg0retr0ut on Jun 17, 2014 6:42:51 GMT -8 Welcome Pinksugar,
	L4/5 CES

peacewillcome
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I honestly don't know why I continue Jun 17, 2014 19:18:21 GMT -8

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Post by peacewillcome on Jun 17, 2014 19:18:21 GMT -8

Pink sugar whenever i want to die i think of how sad everyone who loves me would be and realize in some ways we live for others not just for ourselves.
I think you are brave to open up to us and i hope it helps to know other people are there for you even it is in the netherworld of the internet.

DJ, kilg0retr0ut, and 3 more like this

delboy Advanced Member Posts: 967 Post Likes Received: 796 Date Joined: July 2013 Member is: Offline Send PM	I honestly don't know why I continue Jun 17, 2014 22:42:00 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by delboy on Jun 17, 2014 22:42:00 GMT -8 I think its all in the perspective With a face like that and hopefully a more positive and bubbly life outlook it certainly would be hard for any man not to live without.
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I honestly don't know why I continue

Post by piinksugar on Jun 16, 2014 16:51:28 GMT -8

Post by Butiki on Jun 16, 2014 16:58:15 GMT -8

Post by cbdives on Jun 16, 2014 17:22:24 GMT -8

Post by piinksugar on Jun 16, 2014 17:43:53 GMT -8

Post by Butiki on Jun 16, 2014 18:17:00 GMT -8

Post by dlevy on Jun 16, 2014 18:34:04 GMT -8

Post by Lαrα on Jun 16, 2014 18:53:52 GMT -8

Post by Lαrα on Jun 16, 2014 19:12:51 GMT -8

Post by piinksugar on Jun 16, 2014 20:19:50 GMT -8

Post by wavewolf on Jun 16, 2014 20:40:22 GMT -8

Post by Lαrα on Jun 16, 2014 22:56:19 GMT -8

Post by DJ on Jun 17, 2014 5:08:30 GMT -8

Post by kilg0retr0ut on Jun 17, 2014 6:42:51 GMT -8

Post by peacewillcome on Jun 17, 2014 19:18:21 GMT -8

Post by delboy on Jun 17, 2014 22:42:00 GMT -8

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