Feeling Worthless...

Hi Bigi. I went through a divorce that I didn’t want. It was before my SCI. It was devastating. I wondered how other people could go through that and seem to just “shurg it off” within months, or even within weeks. As I said, SCI wasn’t involved in my divorce,...and there were no children,...so I don’t pretend to be privy to your emotions around all of those elements,...but, yes, it is surreal. How could I have invested my heart and efforts into something that just evaporated? Please don’t “exit”. We are here for you. I am here for you. We’ll just talk. Something good will eventually come out of it.

Big J-

I am in sympathy for your predicament but urge you to find some support. Your wife is mistreating you, creating a situation in which you are suffering emotional abuse. Yes- that term applies. You might read Christopher Reeve's story to appreciate the contrast of how his wife treated him. Some situations bring out the worst in people, and this has happened to your wife. In a way it has happened to you. If your marriage was previously a quite good one your wife's complaining may be an expression of her own grief for your situation and how it has changed her life and her image of her marriage. Counseling with someone experienced with disability problems can help a lot.

Are you suffering medical complications? If not you have plenty of capability to be independent and drive yourself wherever you need to go. A healthy T-7 has the ability to do housework and fix anything he can reach from a chair. Your depression may be preventing you from grasping your own power to be an equal partner in a marriage. I know haw hard it can be to imagine anything positive when one is stuck in depression.  Most of us have been there.

It might help to spend some time on youtube watching how other chair-users manage their lives. Start with "the Angry Quad" He is a LOT more limited in ability than you are yet he wins at life. He must have been a sargeant in the Army. Each of us has to figure his or her own way of developing whatever function we retain. Even a compete T-7 can do all sorts of things. Start with one thing. Work at it every day until you can do it, then try something harder. Honestly, BigJ, none of us are worthless and almost any para can be independent and handle many responsibilities. At the moment you are limited by depression, NOT by the paralysis.



Also 'search' youtube for 'wheelchair transfers' , stuff like that, and you will stumble across many many videos of people like you handling life successfully and feeling happy about it.  Keep us informed.  I care.

I'm familiar with the one man sausage party, they aren't to bad, they just get old, nice find tetra,

Can you keep the counseling appointment for yourself? It might help to see someone on your own. You are dealing with very difficult circumstances. Not only the loss of your mobility but now your wife. I’m sorry, just know you’ll be ok. There’s help available to help find or create a home that is handicap accessible. This suppprt group is here for you too. My son is 21 and a complete T-11 para for three years now. He is ok, going to college but his girlfriend (from before his injury) broke up with him. He’s had a hard time with it. I know this is nothing compared to a 20 year marriage, so I can only imagine how you must feel. Will be praying for you.

bigj, I was injured in auto accident 2 months after filing for divorce in 2015 and a month after I got out of hospital it was finalized by judge. guess who was there to get me out of hospital, my wife I was divorcing. life throws curveballs at you, you never know what will happen tomorrow, it could be amazing. don't know how this might help but hopefully it does.

BigJ-
Once again the Goddess of Irony has struck. You try to improve your marriage and the effort only motivates your wife to declare she wants out. It happens, and in a few years you will feel it is for the best. Yuck.  It may be hard to set aside the need to mourn for some hours each day, but time spent creating your own plan for your brand new life will also reveal that you are capable of managing as a paraplegic. Listen to Stevend, he offers good advice.

Just one little step at a time. An accessible home or apartment will totally change your life. How to find that depends on where you live, of course. If you feel comfortable sharing that detail people may have useful suggestions.

On a personal note, I consider divorce nearly every day because living with my guy is like having a dog that is not house-trained. He is also flirting with dementia and gets verbally difficult. Yet the thought of leaving our home, which I've spent many thousands of dollars making easy for me, is Exhausting. Just the thought is exhausting. I can stand the idea of caring for this guy who has completely changed from the person I married (frequently emotionally abusive now and another quirk I do not discuss on-line). Yet being responsible for his finances plus cleaning up after him consumes a lot of my energy when that energy is quite limited. For now I accept my situation, hope for improvement, but also maintain contingency plans so I do not feel trapped.

You are a lot younger than I, so divorce probably makes sense for both you and your wife. Maybe you could have worked things out, but she may feel this situation has brought out the worst in her and she believes divorce will change her life as suits her. There's not much we can do about the decisions of others. I can tell you that others in situations at least as challenging as yours have succeeded at setting up good living accommodations and getting on with life.

Things to consider:
Is it best to remain in your present town?

What needs to happen in order for you to get a vehicle and drive yourself?

Is there a local support network you can lean on? (If you are in Canada the answer is YES. )

I'm curious- does your screen name mean you are overweight?  I only ask because that determines much of what we can do.  Manual chair?
  
My thoughts are with you.