Feeling Worthless...

bigj

Hey BigJ: Totally empathize with your emotional state. Even now, nearly five years after I nearly lost my life in a fall from a tree, I get into Depression Mode. Generally when this happens I load up the pot pipe, switch on a movie on the computer, and space out for a while. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. I think your wife is freaking out with exhaustion and just the sheer terror of what happened to you. But that is beside the point. You must focus on you and what helps you get through your day. Now that I have been disabled for nearly 5 years, I can honestly say based on my own observations, that the people in our lives have little idea of just what to think and how to cope with a person with a major disability; a person like me--or you.That is not going to change anytime soon. It is as if our situations are somehow contagious, like a virus or the measles. Because of this, I ignore the occasional explosions or meltdowns or, if I am just not in the mood, I let that person know exactly what I think about their gripes with the fact that I am still alive.  That is their s*** to deal with and I make no apologies for having made the inconvenient decision to live. 

Don't let anybody in your life bully you into a depression. Since the accident, I have been much more confrontational when someone like my partner, a relative, or a friend gets in my face about issues they, and I, know are just part of life in the present, and that's that. Your wife, not you, needs a good shrink. She is dumping her s*** on you and while her grief and frustration and fear are understandable, she has no right to use you, of all people, as a dumping ground for her feelings about anything.  After all, if she is overwhelmed there are plenty of alternatives she should explore with your hospital/doctor. She is the one who must do the research and find out how she can help herself. Generally I have found that the attitude among most people in my orbit is "Well your the disabled person, so you should do the work to make my life easier." Which translates into: "It's your fault you are disabled, you fix it!" I have been dropped by former friends and colleagues because they just could not handle my situation. I find this intriguing, as I am totally mobile and not wheelchair bound. The implication of this behavior is obvious; it is just the thought of my disability that sent them scurrying away. I am a constant reminder of something depressing and in our society we are supposed to avoid "negative" thoughts and negative people. 

It is true and everyone in my life knows it; they better not tell me to my face that I am "lucky to be alive". I know people "mean well", but that's a stupid remark to make to anyone who has been through a severe physical trauma. Thankfully, those people who told me I was "lucky" are the same shallow folks who left my life.

Whatever happens, don't let anyone else's hangups or emotional turmoil send you into a nosedive. You have a right to live. If others don't like it, tough s*** on them. Better yet, offer them a toke on the peace pipe. That should mellow them out. 

 I would suggest getting a caregiver. I had one from Bayada Home Care for quite a while after I was home from the rehab hospital. The deal included running through physical therapy exercises, so I didn't turn into a giant marshmallow. The medical marijuana was a wise choice on my part. I definitely suggest getting out and/or getting in some kind of therapeutic exercise. I get depressed--VERY depressed--but I know what it's about and I know it will pass like a headache or a sore throat. Anyway, I have to get out to walk the dog. Take care of yourself and light a joint for me.

Bigj,
A spinal injury is so horrible for anyone, and unfortunately it affects everyone in your family.  It sounds as if your wife is nowhere near as supportive as she ought to be, but she is in this too.  She is probably having a difficult time adjusting to things herself.  I am glad that you got your settlement, that will make things quite a bit easier.  May I suggest counseling for both of you?


My husband passed away 10 years ago.  But if I were to look for a new guy, I would be a lot more interested in his mind, and in his soul, than I would be in his body, what he was able to do, and not to do.  I do believe that you continue to be alive for a purpose, you are still a thinking, giving human being, and hopefully you will be shown what that purpose is.  In the meantime, stick around.  There is still life to be lived.
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I was an ourdoor person, but now I am learning pencil drawing from YouTube videos. Drawing makes me happy ,focus and calm. I love it! New hobbies are good for us!

Hey, one more thing. I have found it illuminating to listen to others that are going through similar challenges, even if their entry level is lower or not as severe. KJ Walker is one of them, and in this video she talks about facing betrayal and separation. I've lost 90% of my so-called friends after my injury, so I can sure relate. In another one of her videos she also talks about the need to reach that state of acceptance.

Best wishes for you!